This I Swear

(Thanks to the incomparable Jessica Charlton for her guidance on this week's email. Check out her great podcast, If You're Feeling)

Recently I went trawling through the Geocities archive for old webpages that I set up in my salad days. I found this nugget to share:

WHICH SPICE GIRL ARE YOU?

Okay so I really, really want you to answer these questions so you can know which Spice Girl you are!!!

Question 1: What is your favorite Spice Girls song?
1. Say You'll Be There
2. Wannabe
3. If U Can't Dance
4. Mama
5. Naked

Question 2: What do you really, really want for your birthday?
1. A designer dress from only the top brands
2. My favorite horror movie on VHS.
3. A new soccer ball!
4. A cute stuffed animal
5. Red lingerie

Question 3: What is the best first date?
1. An expensive dinner in a fancy restaurant
2. A trip to a haunted house!
3. Going to a local football game.
4. A quiet night in where he takes care of me
5. My bed <3 <3

Question 4: What kind of person do you want to grow old with?
1. A footballer who always sounds like he just ingested helium
2. A famous comedian who can make me laugh!
3. Just a nice bloke from the pub
4. Someone who will love and cherish and take care of me as though I were a small child
5. Oh like anyone is going to want to stay with a girl with my reputation. Why am I like this? Why do men always treat me this way?

Question 5: Why are my parents getting divorced?
1. Your dad just did not make enough money to keep your mom happy.
2. Your dad is sick of your mom always yelling at him, nagging about how she never gets the things she wants.
3. You did not make the freshmen soccer team and it was the final straw that made your father realize you would never be like a son for him, and if your mother was just capable of giving him a boy maybe this could work.
4. Your dad cannot stand how literally anything as minute as your shoe being untied will cause you to burst into a crying fit and require your mother to cuddle you and put you down for a nap.
5. Your dad said that you are a slut and your mother is a "goddamn whore". Maybe if you closed your legs for once and did your homework he would love you.

Question 6: A genie appears and grants you the ability to remake the world as you see fit. You have complete control over the Earth's topography and climate, and you have the ability to build a mono-culture across the world with the values, morals and ethics you choose.

1. The world has fractured into a two class system. The rich live in a floating city with all the luxuries of a modern Rococo paradise where they never have to work. Meanwhile the dirty, poor, pig dogs that live on the surface spend day and night manually turning turbines in giant steampunk factories to power the floating paradises without harming the Earth's precious atmosphere and climate. Good workers are rewarded with a trip up to the floating cities where they are assigned jobs as servants to the rich. The work is even more grueling than down in the power plants, but at least servants in the cities are not forced to work in 120 degree steam rooms for 26-hour shifts.

2. The world is a post-apocalyptic wasteland where all remains of civilization have fallen. Humans are forced to scavenge the lands and fight one another over the remaining water that has been untainted by radiation. Many have resorted to cannibalism as there are very few animals left alive, and as a result all language has been lost. Coming across another human means kill or be killed, you live in a constant fear for your life.

3. Society reverts back to the Spartan ideal where social rank is determined by strength. Contests of sport are organized constantly with the winners being given power and the losers killed for their weakness. Only the strong survive.

4. The entire world is remade into the shape of a cradle. Humans spend their entire lives as infants and God takes the form of our mother who feeds, changes and bathes us. All the stars in the galaxy are remade into a giant mobile that spins above the world and we spend our days blissfully unaware of any of the adult troubles we deal with today.

5. The world is much like today's except all forms of discrimination have been eliminated. Society has learned to love and respect everyone for who they are and not judge people or call them names if they have red hair and large breasts but just want to feel real love from someone.

Question 7: What is your favorite drink?
1. A top-shelf dirty martini
2. A jalapeno margarita
3. Gatorade!
4. A warm bottle of formula
5. You know what I like to drink you naughty boy you~~~

Take the number from every answer and add them up.

If your final total was 7 to 21: You are a smart, unique girl who is more than just one of five stereotypes. But you also have a fun side that loves pop music even if it comes in a potentially troubling package.

If your final total was 22 to 34: You are a true individual who does not care what anyone thinks of you. People try to box you with words like Sporty or Scary, but you defy all of that. You are you and that is more than enough for anyone to handle!

If your final total was 35: You are OLD SPICE!!! HAHAHA!