Dispatches From The Front Lines

I go to a lot of concerts by myself. Before I had a smartphone I would write down my feelings in a notebook to pass the time. Here are some excerpts.

The Section Quartet - Cafe Du Nord - 9/22/2007
I really hate going to shows alone, but if I stopped, I'd never go out and do anything.

Jonathan Coulton "Best. Concert. Ever" - Great American Music Hall - 2/22/2008
No seat. This is the penance for being single with no friends. I stand by the bar for five minutes waiting to buy a drink but the bartenders are all too busy filling drink orders for the people at tables. I really wanted to leave but forced myself to stay. I keep getting pushed out of the way by waitresses. Honestly I don't think I could be told I was not wanted as a customer any more directly. Well, they haven't moved me behind the pillar yet.

I still don't like Paul and Storm.

Colin Meloy - The Fillmore - 4/30/2008
I am engaged in the usual, discretely try to see if anyone else is here alone. And if they are see if they are creepy or not. The mission is to find a non-creepy other person here alone. I actually see a few tonight though usually they are later joined by boyfriends or girlfriends, friends or just people. They know. This is straying into self-pity and I need to stop.

Spoon - The Fillmore - 9/23/2008
Still need to move. Still need to have my car repaired. Still need to lose weight. Still need to find a therapist.

When I left work today I said it would be a good day. Now I am not sure if it was, but at least it was not for my trying anyway.

John Hodgman - Herbst Theater - 11/1/2008
At the theater now. Three people in a row in front of me all typing on their iPhones. Not many people here for a sold out show but I am sure it will fill in. Was worried about being under-dressed but I am okay over all. One woman with bad red dyed hair, dragon(?) t-shirt and lime green leggings. Guy with PAX08 enforcer shirt and top hat(?). At least 5 iPhones now.

The Counter, San Jose - 9/5/2009
Spoke to my mother, was not able to tell her that the chicken dance card almost made me cry. Lately I get the feeling I am wishing for things that no longer exist.

Thao with the Get Down Stay Down - The Independent - 11/21/2009
Well here we are. I can hardly believe the year is over.

Really looking forward to this show. Maybe everything is all wrong. Maybe everything is all right. How can you tell?

Metric - The Fox Theater - 3/24/2010
I am a strong proponent of the idea that if you are going to do something you should just do it, and not announce it to the world to get attention. So I cannot go around telling people I am going to kill myself. I just need to do it. I would need to pay off my student loans first. And quit my job. Regardless if I kill myself I need to do that anyway.

I wish I could fix everything that is wrong with me. I wish I could fix anything that is wrong with me. I wish I had friends. I wish I knew how to meet people. I wish I knew how to talk to people. I wish I was dead. Death seems to make more sense. Why am I alive? What is my purpose in life> why am I doing this? Killing myself is much easier than making friends.

Spoon - The Fox Theater - April 13, 2010
Just finished reading "Eating the Dinosaur" by Chuck Klosterman. I really, really enjoyed this book. The last essay really got to me and made me realize what is wrong with me, but in this instance I understand why I ended up cutting off my internet one year ago.

I am bitter about the fact that I have no friends or in-person intrapersonal relationships. I acknowledge at a certain level that this is my fault, but at the same time I blame the internet. It has replaced my need for human interaction, turning me into someone who no longer needs to talk to someone to avoid going crazy. And so I blame the internet into making me this person even though I only have myself to blame. The only conclusion then is to cut myself off.

Of course this does not work. Six months later I am not a social person, I still do not have any friends and I am back where I was a year ago not changed by the experience at all.

What bothers me the most is that my mother was right all those years ago, and now I could not get her to admit it if I tried.

I have been alluding to suicide too often, I need to curb that shit. Reading all these entries in this notebook is kind of depressing, seeing how I have not changed in four years at all. Or have I changed in other wasy but not in the ways I want to. What is wrong with me? Everything.

LoveLikeFire - Rickshaw Stop - November 18, 2010
Have not written in a while, probably since I got the iPhone. I suppose I am a sellout or something. Being a sellout feels weird.

I always complain that I am not changing myself and half the past year was spent working crazy hours but I think comparing the "me" from a year ago to today is a really big difference. I suppose I should feel happy but mostly I feel ambivalent. Just realized it has been a year since I saw LoveLikeFire last. Hard to believe. Maybe I should move.

I really should do this more.