Ask Probably Never

Q: Dear Probably Never, should I buy or should I rent?

A: There are strong arguments on both sides. When you buy a home you are building equity and not throwing your money away. You are able to establish a permanent place in the world that is all yours, there is no safer feeling in the world than coming home to the place you own. It means you can take the time to invest in the things we all care about: wallpaper, lawn care, tile floors. Not having to worry about eviction notices or rent hikes, you can rest free and easy. Maybe put up a hammock in your back yard? Your friends in a studio in a fifth-floor walkup sure cannot.

On the other hand, there are plenty of perks to renting as well. Not being tied down, able to leave in the middle of the night at the drop of hat on the wings of love, never having to worry about replacing a hot water heater or a sump pump failing in the middle of a hurricane. Sure, you might not get the huge tax benefits but you have your youth and freedom! You never know when the next real-estate bubble is around the corner and while all your sucker homeowner friends are underwater you will be riding the jet ski of rentership, my friend, all the way to the sea of ennui.

Here is a final tip: Maybe you should stop buying or renting, and start living.

Q: Dear Probably Never, how can I spice things up in the bedroom? I think my man is becoming bored, he initiates sex a lot less often than he used to and our love making sessions have been getting shorter and shorter. Any tips for kick-starting our sex life?

A: It can be tough keeping the passion alive when you have been in a relationship for a long time. Once you have seen all your partners flaws, the bits of flab they hide under their clothes flopping around as they have night sweats at two in the morning, it can be hard to view them as a sexual object, let alone the foxy mink you bagged that first time back in '98.

What I recommend is buying a full-sized coffin and laying it open in your basement. Get an array of candles and chandeliers to set the mood, then have your husband strip down, lie in the coffin and confess to every sexual encounter he has had in his entire life. (Like I always say: good enough for Secret World Government work!) Once he is done he will be vulnerable, so now is the time to get him to confess his deepest, most repressed sexual fantasies. Brace yourself, you are not going to have any idea what he is going to say.

It could be something mundane like he wants you to dress as a nun and hit him with a ruler, or maybe it is more out there and he will tell you he wants to recreate the romance shown between the two kid-stars of the 2012 Oscar-nominated film, Moonrise Kingdom. Now before you say anything, know that while it might be hard to find an adult-sized replica of the scout uniform that Jared Gilman wears in the film, and hiring Bruce Willis, Bill Murray, Edward Norton and Frances McDormand to show up to stage a recreation will cost you a pretty penny, you have to do what it takes to get that spark in your relationship back!

As a bonus, while you are lying together in a child-sized tent on a beach in Rhode Island, he will be feeling the most affection for you or anyone that he has ever felt in his entire life. Now is the time to confess your life-long sexual fantasy of seducing the Adam Sandler character Canteen Boy from the mid-90's Saturday Night Live sketch. Think about it: he will already be wearing the uniform.

Also have you considered putting your finger up his butt? It is a cliche because it works!

Q: Dear Probably Never, how do I deal with the existential dread that is quickly creeping up on me as time goes by and I get older and older? When I think about the fact that my life has less and less meaning as time goes on it starts to feel like the walls are closing in on me and I have no idea where even to begin. What should I do?

A: I dunno, lol.

Q: Dear Probably Never, How can I get that smooth tone I hear on lead parts? I want to cut across the rhythm section but not dominate the mix too much. What EQ settings should I be using? Do I need a compressor?

A: Do not over-think it. All you really need is a single-coil pickup clean into a Fender tweed and good technique. So much of the tone you are looking for will come once you have better technique, you are not going to find it in a pedal.

Q: Dear Probably Never, I have been with my boyfriend for three years but he is still the same immature, needy guy he was when we first met. I thought I had a real diamond in the rough, but he still expects me to do things like clean the apartment and have dinner on the table for him even though I work a full-time job. Even worse, lately he has been spending "late nights at the office" and I am pretty sure is cheating on me! I have found lipstick on the collar of his plaid shirts and he gets texts from someone named "Mel" all the time. Can this relationship be saved?

A: To quote the famous catchphrase of the popular sex advice columnist, "You could move."