No matter where I am standing, somehow I am in the way. Whenever I am in a crowd, the space two feet to either side of me instantly becomes the single aisle that people use to walk by. I could move to the other side of the crowd and I would still have people trying to scoot past me, scowling that I am blocking them.
Potential use: Some day there will be a mugging where someone screams "Stop that man!" and without realizing it I will be right there in the way.
I have the ability to keep a stone-cold straight face whenever anyone make a joke about me, to the point where they have to hurriedly say "I am kidding!" I know they are kidding. With Stone Face I look like I cannot take a joke, leading to people thinking I have a terrible sense of humor. No matter what I say or do, it will always seem like I cannot take a joke.
Potential use: Always will have the option of a second career as a Buckingham Palace guard as a fallback plan.
I can sleep for extended periods of time (16 hours or more!) without waking up. While asleep, an atomic bomb could be dropped on my house without stirring me. Once I slept for 28 hours straight! Moreover, when I wake up, I will feel just as tired as I was when I went to sleep. No amount of sleep can make me feel rested, but that does not stop me from oversleeping.
Potential use: In the unlikely event Paul Ryan ever gets elected president, maybe I could sleep for eight years?
No matter what you may think, I can eat more food than you in one sitting. Maybe not as fast, but if the only test is quantity then do not even try to step.
Potential use: A friend gets in deep gambling debt after betting on underground competitive eating. Their normal eater gets food poisoned by a rival gambler and unless someone can eat 5 2-pound Fuddrucker burgers in a single sitting they are gonna be sleeping with the fishes. Reluctantly, I come out of retirement for one last job to save my friend.
Every time I go to a concert, there will inevitably be someone right next to me smoking a joint or a bowl. No matter what concert or venue or time of day, if there is live music then someone is getting high. I have a theory that some day I will be at the opera and while the orchestra is tuning a gentleman with a top hat, monocle and cane-shaped bong will sit down next to me and light up a fat one.
Potential use: I will be walking around Coachella when from across the polo field I hear the sound of a lady with sudden-onset Glaucoma screaming. I drop my $12 lemonade and sprint over just as Warpaint starts their set. Suddenly, a thousand lighters are flicked and the air is thick with smoke, sparing the young lady's vision and saving the day.
During my adult life, I have never been invited to a wedding. Most of my friends were already married before I met them and those who were only recently married either chose not to invite me or I became friends with them just after their wedding. My friends will attend anywhere from two to five weddings every year but I never get invited.
Potential use: Never being invited means never having to give a wedding gift, so I get to keep these 23 toasters for myself. I can toast two loaves of bread at the same time!
The Infinite Regret
No matter what I say or do, I am constantly bombarded with memories of mistakes I made or dumb things I said or did going all the way back to elementary school. Do you remember the time we were hanging out and I embarrassed myself really badly? I do, and I am thinking about it right now.
Potential use: No fucking clue.
I can instantly tell if someone is wearing flesh-colored hosiery. Either in-person from near or far, in a photo or video, I can just know. As a bonus, I often end up spending the next 20 minutes wondering "Why is she wearing hose? Her legs are amazing already."
Potential use: A terrorist has hidden explosive thread by weaving it into a pair of nude-colored pantyhose and is wearing them while participating in the AIDS Walk. FBI agents are flummoxed by the large number of walkers and are running out of time. I am called in to spot the people wearing nylons from a helicopter flying above the walk route and with only seconds to spare I point to the terrorist and agents disarm the bomb successfully. For my heroism I am given a book deal, get to appear on Letterman and a Lifetime movie of the story is made where I am played by that Asian girl from Glee.