Fuck you, yes you. Fuck you.

In celebration of having lived here for three months, here is a list of everything I have learned since moving to New York.

Cabs are not going to take you to Brooklyn, so do not bother asking. Nobody wants to go to Brooklyn.

Nobody wants to hear that you are an aspiring musician unless you are already in a successful band. I imagine this is the LA equivalent of "I am writing a screenplay".

Sometimes the buildings shake worse than a California earthquake. Nobody seems to notice.

I am not capable of drinking shots of Patron Silver.

In general, but especially on the subway, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Your entire exposure to others is measured in how much you annoy them, starting theoretically at zero and rising fast.

If you subscribe to New York magazine but live outside the NY area, they send you issues a week after they were on newsstands here which is not particularly useful. I actually knew this before I moved, but have since learned that if you have your mail forwarded to you from California (and this includes issues of New York magazine) it takes two or more weeks to show up. This is even less useful!

We are all in this together, but stay the fuck away from me.

BrooklynVegan has the absolute worst comments on the internet. Worse than YouTube even.

It is usually not worth it to wait for the express train if the local train is about to leave.

Smiling does not help anything.

The A Song of Fire and Ice books are surprising popular amongst women aged 27-35. Equally popular but less surprising? Jonathan Franzen.

I am incredibly susceptible to stress-induced hives.

Everywhere you go there are people having more fun than you at that very moment. Example: the group dressed like they just arrived from a picnic in the 1920's getting off the East River Ferry.

There are gorgeous views everywhere and nobody cares.

I will non-ironically order a PBR if the only other options are Tecate and Bud.

There really is some form of street noise present all throughout the night, even if you live in an abandoned warehouse district.

It is true! Some of your favorite TV shows have been filmed here! GET OVER IT.

If you go to a number of comedy shows in a short period of time it is possible to see the same comedian doing the same set multiple times. This is your fault, not theirs.

My tolerance for obnoxiously positive people is diminishing at an alarming rate.

"Keep moving and get out of the way" is really the best advice you will ever hear.

If you want to believe in the idea that there is Magic in cities, imbued in the buildings and roads and subways, move to New York. I suppose this is true for any city with a long history, though it runs especially strong here.